Dear Diary,
So I've only really spoken upon one man on this forum, only because that is the last guy I was involved with, although there are poems about a couple of other men that have had the privilege to love me lol, but this is about the person who I've written more poems about than anybody else (he's legit inspired some of my best work). Someone who I absolutely have more history with than any other man, someone who drives me completely nuts, but I still want to know where his nuts be lol; you know we all tend to have that one ex who you just can't get rid of: I am that for him, and he is that for me. It has been a five year merry-go-round with this man, but for the life of me I
can't seem to find a way to get off of it and STAY off of it. The song that describes us perfectly is John Legend's 'Another Again', because it's about how him and this woman keeping breaking up and go separate ways, but they always somehow come back to each other so it's just "another again." One of my favorite lines he says "I can't invite her again, cuz she'll go from a lover to a fighter and I'll fight her again, so it's over but I told her to come over" and at the end of he finally just says he loves her, which is obvious because people in love find it hard to stay out of each other's lives, like us. It's like we have a magnet in between us, and no matter how much we try to repel one another the magnet just continues to pull us right back whether we want to or not, so let me paint the scene on how the last magnetic pull came about. So it's Friday night, I'm home alone, just got off work, ready to relax for the rest of the night, and I notice that this special someone has some exhibit tickets that I can use, so I reach out to him (with absolutely no alternative motives up my sleeve). He says I can have the ticket and then asks me when I was going
to pick it up. I gave him my work schedule for the next week and he proceeds to say, "You can pull up tonight, I think we need to have a real face to face conversation." At this point I can now hear my heartbeat, as my temperature begins to slowly rise as the seconds pass. My overthinking nature immediately kicks in and my mind begins to race 100 miles per minute with my heart acting as the gps. All I kept thinking is what could he possibly want to talk about? We're barely on good terms he actually wants to see me? Should I even go over there? Is this a bootycall set up? Every negative and positive thought that I could create for the situation definitely crossed my mind. It's just so much history there, you know. Like he liked me when I was still a mess and trying to come into my own. Like that person who you'll be ready to kill, but you'll be the one the most sad that they're no longer there, yeah that's him for me. So i felt like I HAD to go, I had to see what is was that he felt such a strong need to say to me. So I get to his house, and I was expecting us to have our usual nervous energy, but we were so comfortable with one another, and conversed like the old friends that we are. Then after a drink from his mini bar and a little catch up came the infamous question "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" It was like all of a sudden everything was in slow motion as my mind began to go back into overthinking mode. I was literally at a lost for words and he was asking me the one question that I had been dying to give him an answer to, but for some reason I just couldn't muster up the strength to get the words out. The nervous energy that I expected to fall upon me once I walked through the door had now greeted me with open arms. I know exactly what I want from this man, and after asking me he still has no clue what that is. I didn't know how to say with affirmation how much I just want him: his mind, his heart, his soul. I want his good days, his bad days, and the days he has in between. I want to see the world with him and create new experiences that only we share. I want his attention, and affection, and respect. I want his time, his reassurance, and his consistency. I want to know all his secrets, and I want to reveal parts of myself to him that I haven't even been introduced to yet. I want the pain of his past, the happiness of his presence and the promise of his future. I want to build a home and a family with him, and create our own legacy to leave behind. I want to motivate, inspire and support him. I want to protect and defend him. Like, I just want him, not holding back a single inch of who he is and being proud of it all, as I get to love on it. I want showers of compliments from him and flowers just because it's Wednesday. I want his feelings for me to be more important than his pride or the opinions of others. I want candid pictures, intimate videos, inside jokes and pranks. I want to be able to kiss hikm whenever I want to, and explore different levels of satisfaction with him. I want our lives to completely intertwine until we essentially become one. I want to be his peace and his healing especially after everything's he's been through. I just want him. It's crazy how all this can just so easily spill onto the page but for some reason not a word of it was able to come out my mouth. And it was almost like he was waiting to see how I was going to respond to furthermore know how he was going to respond (no wants to be vulnerable by themselves), because when he initially asked the question, I could only say "no, the real question is what do you want from me?" The liquid courage couldn't even get me to say it, and the maryjane couldn't even calm my nerves. He's just my person. No matter how much we go through, or who else we mess with we ALWAYS end up back in the arms or at least the beds of one another. It's like for some reason our revolving door just keeps on spinning; it can get stuck on a piece of gum or even need some matinence work but it still never loses it's ability to spin. We just tend to always switch positions: either I'm following him in a circle or he's following me around in a circle as we continue to revolve, but I just want us to walk through every door together, holding hands, and then I want him to smack my booty after I walk past him lol. So now I have to either orchestrate a "talk part 2" where I just woman up and say what I actually feel from him, orrrrrrrrrr I'll just send him the link to this because we're both better at writing our feelings down, but even just thinking about him reading this kinda makes me want to throw up a lil bit (probably because I wrote him love letter & he never acknowledged it, but that's another story for another day lol). It would be nice to get some feedback on what I should do since I'm so indecisive, but I ain't got no followers like that YET, so I'ma just drive myself crazy with how to get this response to him. However, I will say that after getting this response to him in whatever way he gets it then that's it; we will either walk into our happily ever after romantically or platonically. And it feels good to be in a genuine space where I am perfectly ok with whichever way the story unfolds. My heart has already been on the line too many times when it comes to this man, and he has never had to feel uncertain about the way I feel for him in the ways that I have when it comes to him. And even with all that being said, and knowing it, for some reason whenever I think our door is finally closed, he can always get it to spin.
Until next time folks.