Back on My Bull S#!%

Dear Diary,

I know, I know I've been neglecting you like a pregnant sidepiece, but I promise to do better, but anyways let's get into this. So a quick little update from the last diary entry involving my love life (which was months ago, I knooooow I'm horrible), but anyways the

whole single no mingle thing didn't really last that long, and primarily because I tend to go back on my word, and always try to see the good in people regardless of what they show me. That was actually a perfect little set up transition into what inspired this post which was actually something I read today about my horoscope. So I was at home scrolling on instagram, per usual, and I came across this interesting horoscope post. When horoscope posts pop up on my explorer page I usually look into them, mostly out of boredom and curiosity but also to better understand the people around me or whatever, but this post hit the ball out the park, ran home, slid across the base and the whole shabang. So the post reads "why you keep getting hurt, based on your sign" and that immediately sparked my interest so I proceed to click on it and scroll until I got to my sign. For those of you out there who don't know I am a Taurus, the bull, the dopest earth sign, stubborn, loyal, and all that other good stuff. Ok so the post states "Taurus: you have an intense loyalty to people you love. So much so, in fact, that you stay in situations that you may be better off walking away from. To you, a partnership is a long term commitment and any problems that arise can be worked out, if people are willing to work at it. The problem is, you're always willing to work on it and the other person may not be so willing. People take advantage of you. You don't like to fail. When relationships end for you, it causes you a lot of pain because you feel like you've failed. You start to think about all the things you could have done to make things work, but you can't change someone else no matter how hard you try." I mean it couldn't have been more correct, more on the money, more on point than that. That is literally every situation that I've ever been in. Like I felt like Lauryn Hill did when she said he was "strumming my pain with his fingers, and singing my life with his words" because the words of that post resonated until they echoed within my frame (that's a fire line for a poem lol). I am loyal to a flaw. I do hold on longer than I should. I do fear failure almost more than death. I do get taken advantage of. I am always willing to work it out. I do put forth more effort than the other person. And this whole time these were things that I only saw as positive, because I mean everyone should at least try to work things out right? and everyone says they want someone loyal right? But there's a fine line between loyalty and desperation, and I tend to become the hopelessly devoted type once I fall in love giving people the room to create a revolving door they can go in and out of. Be loyal by all means, but never allow your loyalty to make a fool of you, or cause you unwanted feelings. And know that you can also be just as loyal in a platonic way when people show you that's all they deserve from you. Being that I have such personal problems with failure, I'd rather hold on to a toxic relationship instead of leaving it alone because for whatever reason I would feel like I've failed in some way. But I think it may really be time for single no mingle, or actually this time I am down to mingle if some mingling comes my way; I'm just not looking for it. I'm always so consumed with the idea of finding someone, getting married and starting a family but that may also be rooted in my fear of depression. Society places such a high standard on marriage and family that I almost feel like if I don't make that happen than I've somehow failed as a woman or an adult. Listening or rereading my thoughts just help me to realize how much meditating I need to do and reprogramming of myself and my mind. Finding someone shouldn't be a goal for me, finding myself should be. Creating a business should hold as much if not more weight than creating a family. I just pray I can put forth all that work that I put into these men and dead-end relationships into myself, and my future because the man I'm supposed to be with and our future kids (whether they be human or pairs of shoes) will thank me for it, as will my future self. I'm so happy that I stumbled across that post, because it brought me back here, to express my self and share my story. I've been planning on coming back on here for a while but nothing was ever noteworthy enough or inspiring enough to defeat my laziness, but that post was killing me softly and I had to seek refuge as i pressed these keys and allowed my thoughts to spill onto the page honestly and uninterrupted. I feel so much better after self reflecting through this computer screen.

Well, it's been real so until next time peeps.

(I really wanted all of the diary entries to end the same way but it's been so long that I don't remember how I did it, lol I knoooow, I'm the worst. but I'm going to do better!)