Dear Diary,
A wise black woman once said "what's love got to do with it? what's love but a second hand emotion; who needs a heart when a heart can be broken." Sooooo let's do a quick recap from the last post, me & the boo were arguing, he was threatening to end things, & the way I reacted (not allowing him to end it) helped me to realize hey, I might actually love this man. So today, as you can see from the title, I learned that the fact that I love him literally means absolutely nothing. So the day after the argument I came up with this cute little grand gesture that anyone would love, just to show him that I appreciate him, I apologize, and most importantly that I am making an effort to move forward in the right direction. So I get him a brand new comforter set ( I finessed it out my mom, but she made me pay for it lol), now this on it's own is a nice gesture, but with him it held more weight because he was in dire need of a new bedroom set, and has been complaining about the lack of sleep he gets. Me being the person I am, I decided maybe I can help him get more sleep by getting him a new comforter set and some new pajamas, and which I did both, and this will fasholly show him that I am serious about being sorry and showing effort. So he loves the comforter set, and I even go so far as to make up his bed for him with his new linen. I also made him a huge cookie since he loves when I bake cookies for him & drove a good fifty minutes to deliver all of this stuff to him; I mean when I say ya girl was pulling out all the stops, ya girl was really pulling out all the stops, but it's ok because it was important for me to let him know that he was worth all that, at least to me. So as he's getting all cozy on his new linen, I ask him "Why do my mistakes hold more weight than yours?" & he cozily replied "because when I correct my actions after the mistake, it's one thing to say sorry but it's another thing to change the behavior after & that's something you don't do. For example, when you told me you didn't like people flaking (not showing up when they say they are) on you because you have abandonment issues because of your dad, I made a point not to flake on you again." As I forcefully swallowed that truth, he thanked me again for the surprise & we made arrangements for the night for him to come over after work. So I roll a blunt and drive off feeling accomplished like a MF ok, like if you could get a degree for thoughtful gestures ya girl would have a Ph.D. Anyways, the day goes on and I get a much needed & much deserved pedicure (that he paid for) and get me some food as I anxiously wait for night to fall so I can reconnect with my love. He texts me saying "I'm going to be late tonight, gotta stop off at home first." I respond "k." Trying to keep everything in a light, chill mood & show him that I don't have an attitude, you know, help the mood of the day set the mood for the night. I go home, take a shower, put on some cute lil pajamas & take my scarf off, knowing it should be on, but since he coming I gotta look cute. I lay on my couch and catch up on my shows, literally at peace in the comfort of my home as I wait on the comfort he provides. Before I know it I'm jumping up out of my sleep, just now realizing that I had feel asleep, checking for my phone to be sure that I didn't miss his call, which in turn is my bootycall. No missed call. No text. No voicemail. No Dm. No Facebook poke. Nada chicka, NADA! I didn't initially freak out because it was like 3:30am at the time and sometimes he works until 3:00am, so I got in my bed (I fell asleep on the couch waiting) and fell back asleep. When I woke up again was there something there you ask? Well let's just say it's 11:58pm the next day and I still haven't even heard from him. & this is why I realize that loving him means absolutely nothing. It doesn't mean he'll acknowledge my effort. It doesn't mean he'll have the common courtesy to tell me he isn't going to make it. It doesn't mean he'll purposely do something that he knows affects me negatively. IT LITERALLY MEANS NOTHING. Me loving him means nothing more & nothing less than just that: me loving him. & it took him acknowledging something that pains me & doing that very same thing hours later to show me that he couldn't possibly feel for me what I feel for him, and I deserve that at the very least; that comes right after respect. Now if he genuinely flaked, that would be ok, like if he passed out once he got home (you know his body not being used to the new linen & all lol), or if his phone died I could understand that, but there's no way it's still dead now, or has been this entire time. I hate when people are quick to point out what you're doing wrong and they're literally doing the same things as you. But the difference between me and him is, if you make me feel a way I don't want to talk to you until I no longer feel that way, but you make him feel a way & he is going to intentionally hurt you, or try to make you feel that same way he's feeling. I dealt with that toxic behavior in another relationship & I refuse to do so again. Don't ever feel like you need to teach me a lesson unless you are going to verbalize that you want to teach, and even then still not at the expense of my feelings. & this is the same person who tells me I have horrible communication skills; he literally can't stand all the traits I have that he possess. & that's why I wrote that poem about him;
"we were natural born enemies,
but our privates got along so well,
it was a painful kind of heaven,
or more like a comforting kind of hell."
& now I see just how much of a comforting hell it was. I clung on to him because of the sex, because of our bond, because he was "good on paper", because I'm 28 and don't want my eggs to hard boil before I get to use them, because I'm a hopeless romantic, because even though he's a jerk he's actually one of the most honest people I know, but oh the beauty in letting go. The beauty of not having to walk on egg shells, the beauty of not having to have your feelings minimized, & most importantly the beauty of self love, which is so underrated & not taught enough to children, if I do say so myself. Now I know my mind changes more than Blac Chyna changes her boyfriend's pamper, but I think it's different this time, because it's one thing to hurt someone accidentally by being selfish, or not courteous, but to intentionally do it is a whole different ball game. So Friday I found out I loved him & by Sunday I found out that didn't mean s#!%.
& that's all folks; signing off not broken hearted, but numbly aware. Until next time.