Single; No Mingle.

Dear Diary,

You ever been turned off, like not by a guy, well actually yes by a guy, so let me rephrase the question. Have you ever been so turned off by a guy that you are turned off to the whole dating experience as a whole? Like you don't want to do it with him or anybody else for that matter? Well this happens to be my current relationship status: Single; no mingle, and it's not complicated. It's just dating in the new millennium is annoyingly repetitive, and completely EXHAUSTING! I'm mf'n tied (motherf__cking tired, no typo)! Dating in the new millennium has now become about building situationships, like Fab said "we've all had situationships, good sex, bad relationships." and for most people this is true, but for my generation this is fact, bible, on your dead homies and on yo mama because this is how we date. We meet someone, text for a while, might sneak a phone call in here and there, go on a date (might be a real date or might be netflix and chill), and then after that we have sex and let the confusion take over from there. Why does this have to be confusing you ask? Or why is it exhausting? It becomes confusing and exhausting because sex and spending time with someone is how feelings tend to develop, but people feel like they cannot speak on their feelings because they are technically still "friends", and also whoever cares the least has the most power. So let's get into my personal situationship, that I just broke free from. I started talking to this guy in January of last year (crazy how much can change in a year right), we hit it off. We talk all the time (not just texting he's calling and even face timing okurrr), we'd hang out, he'd take me out, everything people dating typical do right. Our chemistry was through the roof so we would have AMAZING sex, ok, like mind-blowing, back-breaking sex ok, that we both couldn't get enough of. We respected one another, we believed in each other, and were always able to make it feel like the first time whenever we would get together. So I know what you're thinking, if y'all had all these components down pack why didn't it work? Why didn't y'all get y'all diploma from situationship academy and move on to relationship university, and eventually get y'all masters in marriage? Well let me tell you one thing that can ruin a dope bond, whether it be a intimate relationship, friendship, business relationship, it doesn't matter: EGO! I know Beyonce talked about loving Jay Z's big ego and him loving hers (and I love that song) but too much of anything is a bad thing. When a man feels like you're on sucka standby waiting around for him to make a move, it's kind of a turn off. When a man makes you feel like you voicing your opinion is you being combative, it's a turn off. When a man feels the need to tell a room full of people you don't know that y'all are having sex but in the same breath tells you that you are not his woman that is a turn off. And what does this all go back to ladies and gentlemen ... dun dun dunnnnn ... EGO! DING! DING! DING! Bish you guessed it! And you was right! Go ahead and pass go and collect your $200 and get out of jail free

card. Issue number one: Although women are more prone to wanting commitment that does not mean we do not know how to handle not being committed, or that we want to commit to everyone we date. A lot of us understand that dating is a trial and error process, so we might try with someone and realize we aren't compatible but that doesn't mean I want to cut off my dick supply until the next potential trial comes along, and I may not even want to sleep with the next guy for whatever reason (men y'all give us a lot of reasons to not want to sleep with y'all). But some men feel like since you are opening your legs to them you want to be their woman, when in reality it might be because you've already had sex with them and you aren't trying to put more notches in your belt, because you know men love to judge us on how many people we've slept with, or it may be this is who you're comfortable with and it takes you a long time to get comfortable with people, or it may just be he knows how to hit that spot without you having to tell him how to get there; there are lots of reasons women have sex with men besides them wanting to be their girlfriends. The second issue is trying to control your situationship partner, and making them feel bad when you can't do so. Me and this guy would have amazing conversations, full of substance and ratchetry alike. I always liked how good he was at communicating until I noticed that it became a problem for me to disagree. As long as I agreed with him the conversation ran smoothly, but whenever I disagreed or put a twist in his plans he was not happy, why? because it furthermore proved that he could not control me. He would call me combative and refer to me as 'Sistah Souljah' for having an opinion and for wanting reciprocity. I asked him one day "when am I going to be able to see what your food taste likes?"(because I always cook for him, and wasn't in the mood to cook on this particular evening) & his response was "Ohhhh here comes 'Sistah Souljah' on her what have you done for me lately". Naturally I laughed because it was funny at the time, but his misogyny was speaking volumes. I know you're like we were talking about ego, but please understand only those with severely fragile & enormously huge egos are misogynistic, so the two go hand in hand. The more I talked to him the more it showed until I knew this was not a man I could be with, at least not at the maturity level he came in my life on. & I know you're probably thinking so why did you stick around, like helloooo go back and reference the first paragraph, the dick was bomb & the fact that he was so misogynistic & egotistical it helped to keep the two separate, because he could never be my man acting like that but i liked him enough to still get my issue, you know. There were no blurred lines or shades of grey because we were friends who just so happen to have sex, his ego would keep it that way for me and my 'combativeness' would keep it that way for him. At least so I thought. Now let's go into the third issue at hand: claiming someone you are not committed to, can someone please explain the reasoning for this without using ego? probably not! If you are not committed to someone and have no plans on committing to them you are not to tell people about the situationship the two of you have created, besides your inner circle (just in case you come up missing, burning, or worst & to be sure they don't mess with them). It is not fair for a man to tell people he's involved with someone he sees no future with just so others won't approach her. It's low-key insane when you think about it. It's like going to a store seeing a soda and saying I like that soda, I don't want it though, and then you see someone else try to get the soda & your like "I drank from that", of course the person who was about to buy it isn't going to want it anymore, but if you don't want it why keep someone else from having it? Ahhhh because it's good for the ego! I can try all the sodas in the world but nobody's going to want that one because I'm going to make sure they know I drank from it. BOY BYE! FOH! Needless to say all this was a recipe for situationship disaster, because his ego appeared to get bigger and bigger, unless he was just uncovering it more and more the more comfortable he got. Whatever the case may be the more I saw of it the more my vagina dried up, until I was completely turned off of him, which he tried to correct and say "there's no such thing as being turned off, you're just mad." But i was indeed turned off and not the least bit mad, (I mean except for the fact that i was still wanting to get f__ked but I knew I wouldn't be able to get wet for him) because I still wanted to talk to him and see him, I just no longer wanted to share that part of myself with him. And now like Chris Brown said "if we ain't freaking, we ain't speaking", because he now won't even be a good friend to me because I won't have sex with him ( I must have that good s__t huh lol), and this is the same exact person who said we should stop having sex because the friendship we have is too valuable; I guess I wasn't supposed to agree, or when he changed his mind and decided he still wanted to hit this I was supposed to change mine to, but it wasn't my fault his ego had already dried up my vagina what was I supposed to do? You think I want to be celibate? you think I want to lose a friend that I established a dope bond with? You think I want to type this and feel turned off to dating as a whole? well let me tell you, ABSOLUTELY NOT! I want to still be able to get my issue when I need, I want to still be able to pick his brain about my ideas and receive constructive criticism, I want to still be able laugh with him, I want to still be able to share a comfortable silence with him, but more than all that I want him to humble himself, and express the way he genuinely feels and realize that misogyny no longer works in today's society being that women have fought so hard to be equal. And it's not just him, it's like Sza said, it's my man, and yo man, and her man too. I hear it from my friends, I've dated other men who have brought one of if not all of these issues to my front door as well. It;s not all lost hope though because an open mind and communication can solve all of this, both parties just have to be on board. So to you potential suitors blame him for my "broken hot pocket" as K.Michelle said, and work with me to get past my attitude towards dating, and before you know it there'll be some body rocking, knocking the boots, but in the mean time I'm single, no mingle and it's not complicated!

XoXo,

The Unapologetic Lover